1 year ago today was an icy, snowy Saturday. Grace and I needed to run some errands so we ventured out. We swung by the store on the way home to grab things for dinner and got a tea. We were almost home when we hit a patch of ice and propelled sideways into the back of another car (one that had also slid off the road). I remember getting out of the car, knowing that Grace was ok, and thinking what a pain to get the car fixed. Little did I know at that moment that the car was the easiest thing to fix. It's funny the number of times people have said "At least you didn't break any bones". Do you know how many bones could have healed in the past year?
Honestly, I'm not really sure what to say. This year has been a huge blessing and so incredibly hard. I have really struggled the past month when trying to drive really set me back. It is super discouraging to make progress then fall way back. I felt like I was back at month 4 or 5. Thankfully rest and not driving have improved the set back.
I tested everything this week. With the blessing of my business (the Wildflower Fashion Truck) comes buying all the clothes (super fun!). This past week was our big buying trip in Las Vegas. 4 months ago I booked this trip with the determination that I would be there and I was. I am so glad I went, it was so hard and I am soooooo glad to be home! This was a really huge trip for me .. . it encompasses everything that I really struggle with currently. I am not sure I can put into words what it is like. For those who have been to Vegas, you know what a big environment it is. Now try to picture it with all of your senses exponentially sensitive (sight, smell, sound). My hat and sunglasses where a cute little barrier but were no match for Vegas. The good news...I did it. I did not do it the way I would have liked. I did not get to walk the strip and show Grace all the sites as I would have liked. I did not get to spend hours at the buying show checking out new vendors, etc. I did not stop at even 1 slot machine. I did get to go. I did get about 3 hours a day at the buying show (I am pretty sure standing on the sun would not have been brighter than that room). I got to hang with my mom and Grace for 5 days. I did figure out this whole buying thing and found a lot of really great clothes for the truck. I found out I can tolerate flying and airports (they are not great but are tolerable). I really really appreciated my cozy pjs and a cup of tea in our quiet room every night.
So where am I now? I look normal. When people see me they would never know. Some make comments about the sunglasses. What is really going on? I am intelligent and my brain is slow. It takes me longer to process what is going on. Crowds, screens, lights (no thanks to the fancy new airplanes with all the LED lights and screens in color), noise all shut me down. When I say it shuts me down I mean that my brain (I can literally feel this) will stop processing what is going on. As it continues my body will start to go numb and the nausea sets in. Trigger migraine and then complete brain fatigue. Brain fatigue is nothing like I have ever experienced. It is a fatigue that completely shuts you down. It is crazy. Praise God that I did not get to total brain fatigue this trip until we sat in the seattle airport yesterday afternoon. The way I try to explain it is I have extremely low capacity. As a person who used to do a lot, I am learning to do what I can.
What do I know? God is incredibly faithful. When God allows you to sit in a space that challenges you to your core, I encourage you to lean in and completely surrender to Him. It is pretty incredible. Financially we will lose all of the benefits I have received from my insurance starting tomorrow. Medical ran out a few months ago and my loss of income will be paid a final time tomorrow. Here is the thing . . God has got this. I am not worried or fearful. I know without a shadow of a doubt that He is in control and He will use this to His glory. Physically, I may get better and I may not. I have really struggled with the possibility that I do not improve from where I am today. Everything is hard and exhausting. I have to employ a strategy for pretty much everything I do every day. Going out in the world requires a plan. I absolutely hate this. I hate that my family has to put up with this. I hate that Brad has to roll with my capacity. Some days are really lousy and really difficult. I just hate it. AND I know God has a plan. We have seen it in action.
In the midst of the struggle and full body challenge, we have seen so many blessings. Brad and I will both say our marriage is better than ever (thank you God since we are together a lot!). We believe God provided the truck as a blessing to me as well as a blessing to others. This is my career than I CAN do. This is not a hobby, this is my new career that we trust God is using to replace my previous income for our family. We also see Him using the truck to bless others. I know it might be just an outfit but I feel so blessed to love on women who are in the midst of a struggle and walk off the truck with a top that makes them feel good in their skin. I have also had so many conversations with others who are struggling with a brain injury like me or have a friend who has/is. My heart feels so blessed when I see the tears in their eyes of relief that somebody else understands what they are going through.
What have I learned? SOOOO much! I have learned that we get so wrapped up in the dumbest stuff. We miss so much of what God is doing in this world and in each of our lives because we are wound up and don't slow down. I get so many texts from friends saying "I am just so busy". Well . . stop it! We all have a choice what we say yes to. I may have to say no to a lot and have a good excuse to do but I think we all need to learn to say no. We need to stop and listen to God. I have been so blessed to learn this year how God speaks to me. You know how I learned it? I was forced into complete silence. Please choose to be silent . . .I promise you do not want to be shut down to learn. This statement will be weird . . .I am very sensitive to noises and such so am really really anal about that and at the same time I let so many other things roll off my shoulders. There simply is no capacity to be wrapped up in so much. I think my college kiddos have benefitted the most . . .I am not trying to control what they are doing. They are both adults who can make their own decisions and are both fully capable of making good ones. They are amazing humans and, by releasing them to be their best selves, I get the blessing of enjoying them. When they make a mistake or something happens in their world, I get to love them, encourage them, support them, give advise when they ask (sometimes when they don't . . yes I am a mom for pete's sake!) and watch them tackle it. It is not my thing, it is theirs. I promise you that if you can do this, you will be blessed with getting to know these incredible humans for who they are. It is a new phase in parenting and I am so blessed by it. Back to what I have learned . . .I have learned that so many of us are going through silent battles. Please remember this. It is an interesting thing when you go through life remembering this. I stink at it but am getting better! For example . .. we just had lousy service at almost every restaurant in Vegas. Seriously lousy service. We could have complained, left bad tips, yelled at the server, etc. One of the particularly lousy experiences we could all tell that the guy was just having a rough night and God put on my heart to have extra compassion. I do not know what was going on but I just knew we needed to be as loving as possible. Even to the point of leaving a larger tip and a note on the receipt blessing him. I will never know what came of that but I know that I needed to be available to be kind. I do not share this for props or a pat on the back at all. I share this to remind us all to stop and assess. Stop and be available to show God's love to others. God blessed me with limited capacity to slow me down. To help me learn to be present and available. What would happen if we all slowed down and responded to those prompts . .. to those nudges to reach out to somebody? How many times have we been nudged and not responded? I challenge each of us to slow down, listen, and respond.
Well, I digress. I would not wish a TBI (tramatic brain injury) on my worst enemy. It really really really stinks. I am not sure at this point what treatments to pursue (especially since the cost is all out of pocket). I do regularly go to chiropractor and massage as we are still working on the whiplash from the accident. I am taking a break from vision therapy. We will see. I am trusting that God will lead me where I need to go for the next step. We are so thankful that God has provided a sense of calm. We are extremely intentional in our life . . .yes I am writing a couple of books as I am able. Intention is my word of the year (and part of last year). I get that it is a lot easier to be intentional and calm when one has a tiny capacity and can't drive themself anywhere!
As I finish . . .I was just listening to a live stream sermon and he said the following . . .what's on my calendar, what's on my phone, and where is my money going? That is what I mean when I say we are intentional. When I know the answer to those questions, I can be available to where God is calling. Unfortunately for me, it took a brain injury to stop me enough. I pray my experiences will help you to learn this lesson too!
Sunday, February 9, 2020
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
6 month update...
Well last Friday marked 6 months on this part of my journey to wellness. The week prior Brad and I took a quick trip to Portland to support a dear friend and her family at the funeral for her dad. We were so glad to be there with them during that time. I had not gone on a car trip as a passenger (I have not yet been cleared to drive) since May so was not sure how that would go. In May it took weeks for me to recover from it. This time about 10 days! Definitely improvement. And, 10 days to recover from riding in a car for a few hours. UGH. Really this can be so frustrating! What happened in this case was immense brain fatigue . .. my brain shut off and would not let me do much more than go for a walk each day and listen to audiobooks. No screens, very little time with people. Times like this everything is more exacerbated . . I end up way more sensitive to light, sound, etc. Today is finally much better!
So over the past month I saw my functional neuro who works on vestibular therapy. He said that from his side of the game I am doing really well and I just need to see him later this month . . .6 weeks between visits! Whiplash is slowly improving so I am getting to decrease chiro visits. Muscles are not quite ready to decrease from the massage front. I visited my naturopath for the first time since my accident to do bloodwork. As is very typical of those with a concussion, my adrenals were starting to crash so I added a natural supplement to support them. Super common when your body is under stress. Though really not fun to start having weird eczema flairs and such. Man our bodies get cranky when things are not in line!
I saw my neuro ophthalmologist last week for a recheck. She sees me every 6-8 weeks to check on the progress of vision therapy and how we need to change what is being worked on. She was able to note a good amount of improvement and some areas that we need to continue working on. So that is what I will be tackling each week for awhile. I work on exercises that help my eyes work together as well as getting my brain to join the party. It is the craziest thing to literally feel your brain inside your skull working so hard to try to get your eyes to do what they are supposed to do when they just don't want to do it. I intentionally keep my days after vision therapy each week very quiet as I work super hard there and am generally pretty fatigued the rest of the day. Thankfully I am able to schedule my life this way currently. I am very blessed that is the case. The other thing she reminded me about in the recheck is to continue to be patient and know that, though I am improving and things are looking good, it is still going to be a slow going road with forward and backward movement. But, this is normal! Some of my homework is playing card games like speed. I know it sounds crazy but there are a whole lot of things happening visually and cognitively with that game. I have to also retrain my brain to calm down in stressful situations and fast cards is stressful to me at this time.
This whole process is mostly a roller coaster. One day I feel like I can conquer the world with all the dreams and goals I have! God has placed a big call on my heart and we will see how he allows me to tackle it. I have also started writing a book! Hence, the decrease in blogposts . .. any screen time I can handle has been going to book writing. Then another day comes and I am nervous. Those days generally come after an experience that is really hard. When we were in Portland I needed to go to IKEA to check out something for the boys for school. Earlier in recovery that whole environment would have been pure misery. Thankfully the chaos of the store was not the problem if I stayed focused on where I was trying to go and could hold on to Brad for grounding. I cannot mosey through a store and browse. I am not able to mentally do that at this time. It is too much to think about and process at once. The biggest challenge I have in stores like IKEA is the lighting. Even with sunglasses and a hat, fluorescent and some LED lighting is literally painful. It shuts down my brain. It makes me feel like my eyes are about 10 feet in front of my head and so what I see does not make any sense in my brain. Then my brain will shut down and my body will start going a bit numb. One of the things that happens often in our society is people putting phones in your face to look at a picture or post or something. Y'all when your screens are bright it is not just a bright light but it literally makes my brain and eyes hurt. My phone is on the night setting at the lowest brightness possible where I can still actually see what is on it. My computer has f.lux on it and is set on the lowest brightness. I also have blue tinted prescription glasses to help with the lighting. Even with all of this I am incredibly limited on what I can look at. So please, do not be offended if I decline to look at your screen. I am not trying to be rude, I am trying to heal. I am trying to do what is best for my brain now. I promise you, it is not fun and I absolutely hate that I have to assess every single environment I walk into. I think about every detail of places I go before I go to them and often I still miss something. Sitting at a restaurant I will choose my seat carefully to see the least amount of info possible. I will not face the bustle of the restaurant.
I have hit a point where I am really struggling many days. First, I completely trust God that He has a plan and that He does all things for good. I know this and I believe this. That does not mean that some days I am very painfully human and I get scared. I get scared that this is as healed as I will get. If that is the case I will not be able to drive again. Relying on other people all the time really stinks. I will have to reinvent what a job will look like for me. I will not be able to do anything I have done and been trained to do. I trust God will provide and has a plan. My home is my sanctuary in so many ways. We had a family meeting last week and talked about this a little. I desperately need to have a safe, peaceful environment where I feel safe, where I can have low stimulation. I know I have said this time and time again but we live in a big world. Our brains have to work so incredibly hard to take in all of the data thrown at us at every given moment. If I have learned 1 thing it is to slow down. We do not need to go a million miles a minute. So, I move slower. I choose less chaotic environments to be in. If this is as healed as I get, I will survive and I will have a very different life than I had prior to my accident. Right now I miss having freedom, I miss reading, I miss cooking recipes. Even if I do heal completely or mostly, I think our life will still be different. We are not interested in the way our world is currently. We are not interested in keeping up with the Joneses. I believe God is calling us to bigger, better and greater. I am not interested in floating through life, I have been called to make a difference and make change. So, that is what I am focusing on in my little bubble at home. What I know for sure is that Satan is working hard to shut me down. And that means I am doing something that he is threatened by. So I will keep rocking his boat and the reality is, I know who wins the battle. Praise God for that!
This experience is the ultimate trusting of God with every move. I have no control over anything each day except trusting Him. Some days are good and some days are not good. Some days I roll with everything and some days are really tough. I hope these updates help you to know what is going on with me and with so many others in your space. Now I am off to sit in my closet with my light and colored glasses as part of my therapy. Have a wonderful day and let me know if you want to play a game of speed!
So over the past month I saw my functional neuro who works on vestibular therapy. He said that from his side of the game I am doing really well and I just need to see him later this month . . .6 weeks between visits! Whiplash is slowly improving so I am getting to decrease chiro visits. Muscles are not quite ready to decrease from the massage front. I visited my naturopath for the first time since my accident to do bloodwork. As is very typical of those with a concussion, my adrenals were starting to crash so I added a natural supplement to support them. Super common when your body is under stress. Though really not fun to start having weird eczema flairs and such. Man our bodies get cranky when things are not in line!
I saw my neuro ophthalmologist last week for a recheck. She sees me every 6-8 weeks to check on the progress of vision therapy and how we need to change what is being worked on. She was able to note a good amount of improvement and some areas that we need to continue working on. So that is what I will be tackling each week for awhile. I work on exercises that help my eyes work together as well as getting my brain to join the party. It is the craziest thing to literally feel your brain inside your skull working so hard to try to get your eyes to do what they are supposed to do when they just don't want to do it. I intentionally keep my days after vision therapy each week very quiet as I work super hard there and am generally pretty fatigued the rest of the day. Thankfully I am able to schedule my life this way currently. I am very blessed that is the case. The other thing she reminded me about in the recheck is to continue to be patient and know that, though I am improving and things are looking good, it is still going to be a slow going road with forward and backward movement. But, this is normal! Some of my homework is playing card games like speed. I know it sounds crazy but there are a whole lot of things happening visually and cognitively with that game. I have to also retrain my brain to calm down in stressful situations and fast cards is stressful to me at this time.
This whole process is mostly a roller coaster. One day I feel like I can conquer the world with all the dreams and goals I have! God has placed a big call on my heart and we will see how he allows me to tackle it. I have also started writing a book! Hence, the decrease in blogposts . .. any screen time I can handle has been going to book writing. Then another day comes and I am nervous. Those days generally come after an experience that is really hard. When we were in Portland I needed to go to IKEA to check out something for the boys for school. Earlier in recovery that whole environment would have been pure misery. Thankfully the chaos of the store was not the problem if I stayed focused on where I was trying to go and could hold on to Brad for grounding. I cannot mosey through a store and browse. I am not able to mentally do that at this time. It is too much to think about and process at once. The biggest challenge I have in stores like IKEA is the lighting. Even with sunglasses and a hat, fluorescent and some LED lighting is literally painful. It shuts down my brain. It makes me feel like my eyes are about 10 feet in front of my head and so what I see does not make any sense in my brain. Then my brain will shut down and my body will start going a bit numb. One of the things that happens often in our society is people putting phones in your face to look at a picture or post or something. Y'all when your screens are bright it is not just a bright light but it literally makes my brain and eyes hurt. My phone is on the night setting at the lowest brightness possible where I can still actually see what is on it. My computer has f.lux on it and is set on the lowest brightness. I also have blue tinted prescription glasses to help with the lighting. Even with all of this I am incredibly limited on what I can look at. So please, do not be offended if I decline to look at your screen. I am not trying to be rude, I am trying to heal. I am trying to do what is best for my brain now. I promise you, it is not fun and I absolutely hate that I have to assess every single environment I walk into. I think about every detail of places I go before I go to them and often I still miss something. Sitting at a restaurant I will choose my seat carefully to see the least amount of info possible. I will not face the bustle of the restaurant.
I have hit a point where I am really struggling many days. First, I completely trust God that He has a plan and that He does all things for good. I know this and I believe this. That does not mean that some days I am very painfully human and I get scared. I get scared that this is as healed as I will get. If that is the case I will not be able to drive again. Relying on other people all the time really stinks. I will have to reinvent what a job will look like for me. I will not be able to do anything I have done and been trained to do. I trust God will provide and has a plan. My home is my sanctuary in so many ways. We had a family meeting last week and talked about this a little. I desperately need to have a safe, peaceful environment where I feel safe, where I can have low stimulation. I know I have said this time and time again but we live in a big world. Our brains have to work so incredibly hard to take in all of the data thrown at us at every given moment. If I have learned 1 thing it is to slow down. We do not need to go a million miles a minute. So, I move slower. I choose less chaotic environments to be in. If this is as healed as I get, I will survive and I will have a very different life than I had prior to my accident. Right now I miss having freedom, I miss reading, I miss cooking recipes. Even if I do heal completely or mostly, I think our life will still be different. We are not interested in the way our world is currently. We are not interested in keeping up with the Joneses. I believe God is calling us to bigger, better and greater. I am not interested in floating through life, I have been called to make a difference and make change. So, that is what I am focusing on in my little bubble at home. What I know for sure is that Satan is working hard to shut me down. And that means I am doing something that he is threatened by. So I will keep rocking his boat and the reality is, I know who wins the battle. Praise God for that!
This experience is the ultimate trusting of God with every move. I have no control over anything each day except trusting Him. Some days are good and some days are not good. Some days I roll with everything and some days are really tough. I hope these updates help you to know what is going on with me and with so many others in your space. Now I am off to sit in my closet with my light and colored glasses as part of my therapy. Have a wonderful day and let me know if you want to play a game of speed!
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
Sharing Each Other's Burdens....
Galations 6:2 Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.
God put "bearing each other's burdens" on my heart a few months ago. I have been chewing on it to really define what it means to me. Being in a season of challenge for the past couple of years, we have had first hand experience with those who follow this and those who do not. It has been interesting, humbling, and . .. honestly . . . disappointing. We have had experiences with people that have been God's hands on earth bearing our burdens. Those experiences have been so incredibly humbling and have made us feel so cared about. We have also had the opposite experiences. In all honesty, many of those have been disappointing and hurtful. As much as I don't really want to admit it, this is the truth. I have also been convicted to look at my own behaviors to see how I show up for others. At the very least, I have learned so much during our season.
It is interesting to me how many people tell you they are so busy. Yep . .. I know . .. life is busy. We all have the same 24 hours each day. I challenge all of us to stop saying how busy we are. Please stop telling this to other people. And for goodness sake, do not say it to people who are sick and struggling. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard . . I was thinking about you but have just been so busy, I haven't had time to reach out. I am going to be brutally honest here. What I hear when that is said to me . .. "I have thought about you but you do not rank high enough for me to make you a priority". Bearing each other's burdens does not mean "when a bit of time falls in my lap I will try to fit you in". Bearing each other's burdens means I make you a priority. I may have to make a different choice in my day in order to do that.
While in the process of "chewing" on this. My cousin's 15 year old daughter journaled on this verse and shared it on Instagram. I reached out to her to ask what bearing each other's burdens means to her and this is what she said . .."I think bearing each other's burdens includes helping loved ones and those close to you with their struggles, and offering them unconditional love and support as well as help if and when they want it. I think it also entails listening to them and always being there for them, in order to help them feel like they have someone they can lean on and share their burdens with."
You guys . .. this is so spot on. I can honestly say that Avery gets it. To be honest she gets it more than most adults I know.
Those who have burdens are not asking for them. We do not want to be in our seasons of suffering. I can promise you that Brad did not enjoy being unemployed for almost 18 months. He worked hard everyday to get a job. He searched, he interviewed, he did all the things and God had a different plan. At the time we may not have understood why God had us in a holding pattern but He did. We can certainly tell you so much that came from that and we are happy to share if you are interested. I definitely do not want to be in the place I am currently in healing from my concussion. This season of having most things stripped from my abilities is completely frustrating. I can give you some guesses why God is allowing me to still be here, but I do not know for sure. I definitely get a lot of time to chew on topics! I do hope that it makes me do a priority reset. Some of the greatest blessings have been seeing people live this verse. Those who have chosen to walk with us during our season. Those who have chosen to bear our burdens.
This is very humbling. When you are a driven, go getter type of person, it is hard to be shut down and to have to admit you need help. This has definitely been a lesson for me which I am tackling in the book I started writing.
We have been honored to have people show us the true meaning of walking along side and bearing our burdens. These people check in often, bring meals, pray with us, and want to hear the truth about how things are going. They let you talk without fixing everything. Bearing burdens means showing up and going out of your way to support people in their time of struggle. These people have asked what we need and they really want to know what it is. And, these people treat you like you are normal . .. they do not make you feel like a burden. It takes a village to do life. It really takes a village in the seasons of struggle. Even today I had to reach out to a few people to ask for help next week since Grace will be helping at our church adventure days and I am still unable to drive. I simply have to ask for help. I cannot do this alone and neither can anyone.
The greatest example I can give you of bearing each other's burdens has been Brad's treatment of me during the past 5 1/2 months. I am not sure I can totally convey the ways in which he has been bearing my burdens. Honestly, if the roles were reversed, I am not sure I would be as patient, kind, loving, and calm about everything. Brad has not once made me feel like a burden. He juggles the craziness with calmness. As I have been able to do more he lets me know when it would help him if I find a ride or if I can throw together dinner or something else. But, in asking, he ALWAYS allows me to be honest if it is too much or I don't feel up to it. Brad has every right to be frustrated and complain. This is not what he signed up for. The wife he had is not the same person he has now (this could be good in many ways!). He has to be patient every day not knowing how I will be feeling. He does not get frustrated with the fact that our plans are always a maybe depending on me. He has chosen to bear my burdens by rolling with everything. I actually believe that has been one of the reasons I am healing. My house is a place of peace and calm. It is a safe haven for me to heal. Brad has allowed me to do what I can when I can and does not do anything but make me feel cared for and loved in the process. That is bearing each other's burdens.
I hope as I heal and enter life again, that I do a full reset. Brad and I have been talking a lot about this. What do we want our life to look like when it is "normal" again? What we know for sure is that we are creating a new normal. We desire a life where our priorities are more aligned with God's purpose for our lives. Where we are loving people more than schedules. Where we choose to bear each other's burdens regularly.
How do you show up and bear other's burdens? Do you need to re-evaluate how this looks in your life? Is this something you currently value? This is a command God has given us. I hope we all chose to look at it differently and honor what God has commanded us to do.
God put "bearing each other's burdens" on my heart a few months ago. I have been chewing on it to really define what it means to me. Being in a season of challenge for the past couple of years, we have had first hand experience with those who follow this and those who do not. It has been interesting, humbling, and . .. honestly . . . disappointing. We have had experiences with people that have been God's hands on earth bearing our burdens. Those experiences have been so incredibly humbling and have made us feel so cared about. We have also had the opposite experiences. In all honesty, many of those have been disappointing and hurtful. As much as I don't really want to admit it, this is the truth. I have also been convicted to look at my own behaviors to see how I show up for others. At the very least, I have learned so much during our season.
It is interesting to me how many people tell you they are so busy. Yep . .. I know . .. life is busy. We all have the same 24 hours each day. I challenge all of us to stop saying how busy we are. Please stop telling this to other people. And for goodness sake, do not say it to people who are sick and struggling. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard . . I was thinking about you but have just been so busy, I haven't had time to reach out. I am going to be brutally honest here. What I hear when that is said to me . .. "I have thought about you but you do not rank high enough for me to make you a priority". Bearing each other's burdens does not mean "when a bit of time falls in my lap I will try to fit you in". Bearing each other's burdens means I make you a priority. I may have to make a different choice in my day in order to do that.
While in the process of "chewing" on this. My cousin's 15 year old daughter journaled on this verse and shared it on Instagram. I reached out to her to ask what bearing each other's burdens means to her and this is what she said . .."I think bearing each other's burdens includes helping loved ones and those close to you with their struggles, and offering them unconditional love and support as well as help if and when they want it. I think it also entails listening to them and always being there for them, in order to help them feel like they have someone they can lean on and share their burdens with."
You guys . .. this is so spot on. I can honestly say that Avery gets it. To be honest she gets it more than most adults I know.
Those who have burdens are not asking for them. We do not want to be in our seasons of suffering. I can promise you that Brad did not enjoy being unemployed for almost 18 months. He worked hard everyday to get a job. He searched, he interviewed, he did all the things and God had a different plan. At the time we may not have understood why God had us in a holding pattern but He did. We can certainly tell you so much that came from that and we are happy to share if you are interested. I definitely do not want to be in the place I am currently in healing from my concussion. This season of having most things stripped from my abilities is completely frustrating. I can give you some guesses why God is allowing me to still be here, but I do not know for sure. I definitely get a lot of time to chew on topics! I do hope that it makes me do a priority reset. Some of the greatest blessings have been seeing people live this verse. Those who have chosen to walk with us during our season. Those who have chosen to bear our burdens.
This is very humbling. When you are a driven, go getter type of person, it is hard to be shut down and to have to admit you need help. This has definitely been a lesson for me which I am tackling in the book I started writing.
We have been honored to have people show us the true meaning of walking along side and bearing our burdens. These people check in often, bring meals, pray with us, and want to hear the truth about how things are going. They let you talk without fixing everything. Bearing burdens means showing up and going out of your way to support people in their time of struggle. These people have asked what we need and they really want to know what it is. And, these people treat you like you are normal . .. they do not make you feel like a burden. It takes a village to do life. It really takes a village in the seasons of struggle. Even today I had to reach out to a few people to ask for help next week since Grace will be helping at our church adventure days and I am still unable to drive. I simply have to ask for help. I cannot do this alone and neither can anyone.
The greatest example I can give you of bearing each other's burdens has been Brad's treatment of me during the past 5 1/2 months. I am not sure I can totally convey the ways in which he has been bearing my burdens. Honestly, if the roles were reversed, I am not sure I would be as patient, kind, loving, and calm about everything. Brad has not once made me feel like a burden. He juggles the craziness with calmness. As I have been able to do more he lets me know when it would help him if I find a ride or if I can throw together dinner or something else. But, in asking, he ALWAYS allows me to be honest if it is too much or I don't feel up to it. Brad has every right to be frustrated and complain. This is not what he signed up for. The wife he had is not the same person he has now (this could be good in many ways!). He has to be patient every day not knowing how I will be feeling. He does not get frustrated with the fact that our plans are always a maybe depending on me. He has chosen to bear my burdens by rolling with everything. I actually believe that has been one of the reasons I am healing. My house is a place of peace and calm. It is a safe haven for me to heal. Brad has allowed me to do what I can when I can and does not do anything but make me feel cared for and loved in the process. That is bearing each other's burdens.
I hope as I heal and enter life again, that I do a full reset. Brad and I have been talking a lot about this. What do we want our life to look like when it is "normal" again? What we know for sure is that we are creating a new normal. We desire a life where our priorities are more aligned with God's purpose for our lives. Where we are loving people more than schedules. Where we choose to bear each other's burdens regularly.
How do you show up and bear other's burdens? Do you need to re-evaluate how this looks in your life? Is this something you currently value? This is a command God has given us. I hope we all chose to look at it differently and honor what God has commanded us to do.
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
Month 5 Update
5 months . . . I actually am not totally sure what to write today. 5 months ago I hit a patch of ice while driving and crashed into another car that had slid on the ice before me. At that moment it seemed we were ok . . Grace was fine and I seemed fine. The people in the other car were fine so the only issue was the hassle of a damaged car. Well . . that is what I thought at that time. Never in a million years did I think that 5 months down the road this would all still be an issue. Y'all, concussions are simply not a joke. The athletes getting multiple concussions and being put back in the game . .. this is just ridiculous and needs to stop. It took a couple of days before we really started to see the issues and a couple of weeks to be assessed by the amazing practitioners in my town to truly understand what was going on and the fact that time, tons of rest, and a multitude of therapies would be my full time job for the foreseeable future.
Fast forward to today...I have come a long way and have a very long way to go. I am thankful that I feel good most days. I am thankful that I am able to get outside and walk fast for exercise for 45 minutes a day. I am thankful that some days I can write my blog for a few minutes. I am thankful that I can cook simple meals as long as I don't have to chop or use a recipe. I am thankful I can spend a couple of hours at a time with people. I am thankful I can go to church with a hat, sunglasses and earplugs some Sundays. I am thankful that some days I can go to the store and make it through a short list without completely shutting down.
Then some times I realize that we live in a world that requires so much processing and I just cannot do that currently. That is when I know how long the road ahead is. I am willing to put in the work. I am willing to do the therapies. Most of the time I have a pretty good attitude about where I am and where I am going. Then some days I am human and I have a pity party. Generally the pity party days come when my eyes have been particularly wonky and painful and my brain is on fire. When simply getting up in the morning is hard and each activity of the day is challenging. I know that right now I am probably making a bad choice . . . between vision therapy this morning followed by the grocery store and a walk, being on the computer is not my best move . . and I can tell. So this post may be written over the course of a couple of days and that is ok.
What I really want is for people to be aware. I really want people to understand concussions as well as other silent battles being fought by many. Whether it is chronic illness, mental illness, etc ... these battles are unseen and lonely. I can share the concussion side. And my concussion story is vastly different than somebody else's concussion story. For me, since my visual processing is so affected, I am totally shut down in most of life. I still listen to audiobooks primarily. I learned this weekend that I am not ready for mini golf. Way too much to think about, process and look at. Seriously .. . mini golf? Thankfully I do ok walking but realizing that riding a bike will be a ways off. The balance, processing of data, etc at a faster speed is not something I am ready to do. So, time for more patience.
I have tried to figure out how to explain what I feel like. Right now I can tell you that I feel pressure in my head, a headache and my whole body is going a bit numb. Actually speaking words is hard and my mind is struggling to think. This is from looking at the screen... Somebody else described each day as feeling like you have a migraine without the pain (though plenty of days it is a full blown migraine). Our brains are so incredible and they really let you know when they are not happy!
Each day is a new adventure. I am so thankful to have my family together for the summer. My boys are such amazing people and I am blessed to get time with them. Many people going through silent battles are doing it alone and I am incredibly blessed to have the 4 other people in my house supporting me. God has shown up in big ways during this process. During this time I get to continue to learn to rely on others for so many things.
Anyway . .. the basic update is I am on a journey to wellness and only God knows what that journey will look like. My prayer is to be able to tolerate screens, to be able to drive, and to get back to "normal" life without my brain shutting down. For now, I enjoy the time when I feel a bit normal and can spend time with my family. For each of you fighting a silent battle, I see you and I support you. God loves you and is there for you every minute of everyday. No matter what your struggle, you are not alone. We all need to remember that everyone has a story. My prayer is that we can support each other on each of our journeys. Cheers to a beautiful day and reaching out to somebody on your heart!
Fast forward to today...I have come a long way and have a very long way to go. I am thankful that I feel good most days. I am thankful that I am able to get outside and walk fast for exercise for 45 minutes a day. I am thankful that some days I can write my blog for a few minutes. I am thankful that I can cook simple meals as long as I don't have to chop or use a recipe. I am thankful I can spend a couple of hours at a time with people. I am thankful I can go to church with a hat, sunglasses and earplugs some Sundays. I am thankful that some days I can go to the store and make it through a short list without completely shutting down.
Then some times I realize that we live in a world that requires so much processing and I just cannot do that currently. That is when I know how long the road ahead is. I am willing to put in the work. I am willing to do the therapies. Most of the time I have a pretty good attitude about where I am and where I am going. Then some days I am human and I have a pity party. Generally the pity party days come when my eyes have been particularly wonky and painful and my brain is on fire. When simply getting up in the morning is hard and each activity of the day is challenging. I know that right now I am probably making a bad choice . . . between vision therapy this morning followed by the grocery store and a walk, being on the computer is not my best move . . and I can tell. So this post may be written over the course of a couple of days and that is ok.
What I really want is for people to be aware. I really want people to understand concussions as well as other silent battles being fought by many. Whether it is chronic illness, mental illness, etc ... these battles are unseen and lonely. I can share the concussion side. And my concussion story is vastly different than somebody else's concussion story. For me, since my visual processing is so affected, I am totally shut down in most of life. I still listen to audiobooks primarily. I learned this weekend that I am not ready for mini golf. Way too much to think about, process and look at. Seriously .. . mini golf? Thankfully I do ok walking but realizing that riding a bike will be a ways off. The balance, processing of data, etc at a faster speed is not something I am ready to do. So, time for more patience.
I have tried to figure out how to explain what I feel like. Right now I can tell you that I feel pressure in my head, a headache and my whole body is going a bit numb. Actually speaking words is hard and my mind is struggling to think. This is from looking at the screen... Somebody else described each day as feeling like you have a migraine without the pain (though plenty of days it is a full blown migraine). Our brains are so incredible and they really let you know when they are not happy!
Each day is a new adventure. I am so thankful to have my family together for the summer. My boys are such amazing people and I am blessed to get time with them. Many people going through silent battles are doing it alone and I am incredibly blessed to have the 4 other people in my house supporting me. God has shown up in big ways during this process. During this time I get to continue to learn to rely on others for so many things.
Anyway . .. the basic update is I am on a journey to wellness and only God knows what that journey will look like. My prayer is to be able to tolerate screens, to be able to drive, and to get back to "normal" life without my brain shutting down. For now, I enjoy the time when I feel a bit normal and can spend time with my family. For each of you fighting a silent battle, I see you and I support you. God loves you and is there for you every minute of everyday. No matter what your struggle, you are not alone. We all need to remember that everyone has a story. My prayer is that we can support each other on each of our journeys. Cheers to a beautiful day and reaching out to somebody on your heart!
Friday, June 28, 2019
What's you WHY?
You guys, I am a total nerd when it comes to organizing, journals, budgeting, etc. I probably need a 12 steps program for my budgeting addiction but I digress. I have always loved a good journal or notebook and a fabulous gel pen. Turn me on to a cool new journal and you have my heart (well maybe not that extreme but you catch my drift). Love me a new journal. Last week Rachel Hollis posted about a super cool new journal she found from Semikolon with 3 sections that are perfect for what I am working on. I ordered one and it came over the weekend.
You know that new journal/notebook . . .what will you write on the first page, what important info is going there (yes, I am a total geek). In the process of pondering, which I am blessed with the time to do currently, I took a step back. When I am further along in my healing and am able to take off on my new career path, what are the things I will start tackling? It occurred to me last night that a clear WHY is important. When people ask how to stay focused in health, fitness, parenting, budgeting, etc, I always say you must know your WHY. When you have a clear WHY to go back to, you can climb any mountain. Of course, I think about my WHY but it occurred to me it is time to write it down and that is the perfect thing for the first page of a clean and new journal.
It may seem obvious what your WHY is but have you stopped to write it down. Have you really thought about your WHY in whatever you are focused on? It is easy to get started with a new fitness program or a new financial plan but after awhile it gets tough or boring. In those times, how do you stay on track? What keeps you from giving up? Or, when people discourage you, what keeps you focused? I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to staying focused. It is so easy to get derailed when you are not clear on your WHY. Writing down your WHY and your goal can be scary. It is a commitment and it holds accountability. But, it also makes you much more likely to accomplish it!
I know that for me it is really easy to start doing something when it is new and exciting then taper off as it gets monotonous or I listen to somebody "encourage" me to go a different direction. I forget WHY I started in the first place and forget my purpose. I can have a whole list of dreams and calls from God but without my WHY, I will not get very far. My WHY could very well be that God called me to this. I need to see that in writing so I am reminded daily. Brad's WHY for his job could be that he wants to financially support our family so we can pay our bills and live and give like God calls us. Your WHY may be totally different.
I am passionate about helping others be the best versions of themselves. I am also very clear on the phrase "the cobblers kids don't have shoes" and so I am very determined that my family does not get lost in the shuffle. There is no point in helping everyone else and giving my family the shaft. When my WHY is written in front of me, I will always see that my family is one of my biggest WHYs. One of the greatest things God called me to in life was being a mom. No matter what I do in my future, I 100% believe that my greatest and most important call has been being a mom. My WHY in those tough parenting moments when I was exhausted with 2 toddlers and had no clue if we were doing the right thing was that God called me to such a time as that. My WHY was that I wanted to raise incredible humans who would grow up to be people who bless others and follow their passions. My WHY when my heart was breaking because their hearts were sad has been to help them know that hard things help us grow so I will walk with you instead of fix this for you. My WHY has been knowing that every ounce of work, sleepless nights, hard conversations, grey hairs (I am so thankful for hair coloring), and headaches all have come with the joy of seeing 3 incredible humans grow and learn and become what God created them to be. Knowing my WHY as a mom has been crucial for each and every moment.
God has put some big dreams on my heart to pursue when I have healed. I know that the only way I will accomplish them is by knowing my WHY and letting God drive the bus along the way. And you know what? My WHY and your WHY may evolve over time. It may morph into something different or something more. WHY am I setting the goals I have in front of me? Sometimes figuring out your WHY will help you to discover places that need some work. When I want to lose 10 pounds and I determine my WHY, I can easily discover that my reason is not really a WHY, rather an insecurity. I also can own the fact that I, me personally, feel better in my body when my muffin top is nowhere to be found! When it comes down to it, I need a deeper WHY to really drive me. Fitting into those jeans in my closet is motivating and I really want to get there but it is not a great enough, deep enough WHY to keep me motivated for long.
Our WHY must be deep in our heart and soul. Too many external factors can affect how my jeans fit . . .car accident keeps me from working out so jeans fit very different than 5 months ago. A deep seeded WHY like providing for my family can still be my WHY today. One of the many reasons I am working hard at healing my brain is because my WHY is clear . ..my family. I do everything I do to support my family emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially. That support may look different over the past few months but it still exists. My WHY is still the same regardless of circumstances. My goal may be to fit into my jeans by "X" date. My WHY is really that I am healthy and fit so I can show up and do the work I am called to do!
What is your WHY? WHY do you get up and show up everyday? I would love to know! Personally I have a list of WHYs and it is time I write them down! How about you?
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
It's ok to be uncomfortable . . .
Sending 2 kids to college in 2 years will have you thinking about life, parenting and everything that goes along with that. You know . . .small topics! Ha! One of the many gifts I have been given in the past year is the gift of a boss that encouraged failure. Of course the goal was not to fail over and over again but rather have the freedom to try new things, learn and grow! This was such an incredible blessing and a very rare one in the work world. I had spent so many years feeling like I was expected to be perfect in everything (this is a very slippery slope as we all know!). This belief ends in constant failure since we are simply not perfect!
As a mom it is so easy to find a good chunk of our identity in our kids successes and failures. I am as guilty as the next mom. I was successful as a mom when my kiddo did X, Y, and Z. Yay me! In the process of "letting go" these past 2 years, I have thought about this a lot.
During my time of rest I have listened to some sermons (Francis Chan is simply awesome) and was struck/convicted but a particular sermon. He spoke about how often we pray for life to be easy, for everyone to stay safe, and for no challenges. When you stop and really look at life, how often have you learned a new skill, grow in an area, changed for the better while life is easy, safe and without challenge? I mean seriously . . .when?
As parents we SOOOOO badly want our kids to be safe, healthy, have it easy, etc. We pray for our boys to be safe at college and our daughter to be safe at school. We also like to step in and "help" make things easier when the going gets tough.
Adults have created a world of entitled young people. A world full of participation trophies and truly spoiled brats. Don't get me wrong, there are MANY amazing young people as well. I constantly hear people baffled that there is such an entitled generation. Really when you stop and think about it, why are we so baffled. We have created a world where we do not want our precious babies to struggle or be sad so we do everything we can to protect them. As a result, we have a generation that simply does not know how to cope with challenges and it is our fault!
What message are we sending when we swoop in and "fix" everything? I can only imagine how lousy those kids feel whose parents have paid off colleges for them to be admitted (if they do not feel lousy then we have even bigger issues!). I am pretty sure that the message sent was "I don't believe you can do it so I am going to do it for you". I certainly do not ever want my kids to feel like that is the message I am sending them (though I know I have been guilty of this).
What message are we sending when we swoop in and "fix" everything? I can only imagine how lousy those kids feel whose parents have paid off colleges for them to be admitted (if they do not feel lousy then we have even bigger issues!). I am pretty sure that the message sent was "I don't believe you can do it so I am going to do it for you". I certainly do not ever want my kids to feel like that is the message I am sending them (though I know I have been guilty of this).
I have been working to change the way I talk with my kids. It was finals week last week for my boys and my middle guy finished his freshman year. This is such a huge year for so many things. So much change and transition and "adulting". He also took a really tough spring term. I could have given him all the advice but I did 2 things instead . . . first, I stopped projecting my own experiences and issues on him and second, I let him do it his way. You know what, some of it worked great and some of it did not goes as well. When we would talk about a test that did not go as well as hoped, instead of being worried and feeling upset, I looked at the learning opportunity for us both. We talked about what he learned from the experience, how he will want to approach tough classes next year, etc. I gave him permission to cut himself some slack and to understand that he is not perfect! AND I continued to tell him what an incredible human he is. His worth is not in physics. He is an amazing human who I am so blessed to be the mom of.
For me, I have had to give up the false sense of control. Y'all we might think we are controlling things but we just are not. I believe that by letting my kids grow through challenges, they will learn so much (this is so hard). My prayer has changed. I definitely pray for my kids to be safe and I pray that they will have challenges that they can handle. I pray that they grow to be adults who can weather the storms of life because there are always storms.
It is my hope that parents start t be ok with their kids being uncomfortable. It's time to walk through life with them instead of carrying them. I challenge each of us to focus on sending messages that show we believe in them and it is ok for them to not be perfect. More importantly, as parents we need to be ok with being uncomfortable and model that for our kids.
It is my hope that parents start t be ok with their kids being uncomfortable. It's time to walk through life with them instead of carrying them. I challenge each of us to focus on sending messages that show we believe in them and it is ok for them to not be perfect. More importantly, as parents we need to be ok with being uncomfortable and model that for our kids.
Wednesday, June 12, 2019
Time flies!
Wow! It has been just over 4 years since I last posted and those 4 years have been some of the most pivotal in my life. When I started Journey to Wellness, it was with the intention of focusing in fitness and nutrition. Little did I know that my Journey to Wellness would continue and that it would add so many different dimensions. Though I am still incredibly passionate about health and fitness, I have a broader focus currently.
For those who do not know (or want a quick ... not so quick catch up), we have had a really life changing couple of years. 2 1/2 years ago God tapped me on the shoulder when Financial Peace University was being offered at our church. There was no doubt in my mind that Brad and I would be taking that. We had a pretty decent handle on our money but it could definitely use a clearer budget and more structure. Brad had just started a great job locally and the timing seemed awesome .. minus the craziness of a 6th grader, Junior and Senior in high school as well as both of us working. We actually loved the class, dove into the teaching and really changed our thoughts on finances. I am a total nerd when it comes to budgeting and love the structure of the baby steps. For those who are confused . . .I am happy to explain more. At this point we hunkered down, had an awesome budget and attacked Baby Step 3 (3-6 month emergency fund). Life felt pretty good. We had an incredible opportunity for the 5 of us to go on a 2 week vacation to the east coast . . .completely cash flowed. Felt so good to come home without the burden of owing for a vacation! In August, the kids and I were blessed to go with our church to Mexico on a mission trip. Also, in August we completed Baby Step 3 and were ready to move on to the next steps. While on this mission trip, Brad called and that "great" job was no more. We actually were both incredibly thankful that the kids and I were on this trip. Brad and I each had a week to process. When I got home, we were able to sit down and in 5 minutes rework our budget to the bare bones (thank you FPU). Little did we know that this 3-6 month emergency fund would end up stretching 18 months. I will get more into this 18 months another time. Can I tell you how incredibly hard that time was? What a challenge it was for our marriage? What a life changing growth opportunity it was? How God showed up in the most amazing ways and blessed us every step of the way? I would not change that experience for the world and I pray we never go through it again.
Brad was blessed to be "reassigned" at the end of January. February 9th I was 4 weeks into a new job and Brad 2 weeks into his. Grace and I were headed home from running errands on a storming day when we hit a patch of ice and slammed sideways into another car that had slid off the road right before us. Thankfully Grace was fine! As we discovered over the course of days and weeks, I was (and still am) not. Many of you have travelled on the journey with us as I work to heal and recover from a concussion and whiplash. What a most humbling experience to have everything you were able do taken away. Note, this is the first time I have tolerated a computer screen for any length of time in 4 months. For those who know me, know that I am a go getter. What do you do when all the things . .. . exercise, time with people, cooking, reading, work, church, etc are stripped away? You rest. You rest in the knowledge that God is in control and that He has me here for a reason. You have pity parties some days (not my best moments but it is truth). You start to accept the Journey to Wellness and give yourself grace. And, you listen. You listen to what God is telling you. For the longest time He was clear in his message of rest. Though He still is telling me to listen to my body and rest, He has also dumped some incredible dreams and goals in my space.
Yes, this update could be taken as pretty depressing but it's not. Yes, it has been HARD. So so so incredibly hard. Brad and I have gone from moments of truly not knowing how we could possibly stay married (except we do not believe divorce is an option) to our marriage being better than it ever has been. We are seeing God bless us in all areas of our lives/family.
You guys, this recovery really stinks. I am not going to pretend it doesn't. It is only the past 10 days that I have felt pretty decent and able to go for 45 minute walks without triggering a bunch of concussion symptoms. Part of my therapy involves electric stimulation on my tongue and face. This hurts! Most of my therapies involve the most basic of tasks like focusing on an object. When your eyes are not functioning together, this gets really tricky! Have you ever thought about how big our world is? Simply standing in my yard takes a lot for my brain to process. So, we move slow and eventually everything should start to play nice together again. In the meantime, lots of rest! And, in the midst of my very simple existence are so many blessings. I certainly could have been hurt worse. We have the most amazing practitioners in this town to treat me. Brad has a job and is working from home so is able to be super dad, super mom, super employee, etc! I get tons of time with Grace (she might not see this as a blessing but I do!). I will get to spend a ton of time with my family this summer. We have learned to accept help. I have had the gift of time to really stop, hear, regain perspective, and start to see my true purpose.
So, until I can spend hours writing my book, my blog will get to serve as my chance to share what I have learned, the epiphanies I have had, the reflections on life, etc. I share because I know how much it helps me to hear people be real and to know I am not alone on this earth in the good times and challenges. Not sure that any of us will ever "arrive" at wellness but the journey is really the story anyway.
For those who do not know (or want a quick ... not so quick catch up), we have had a really life changing couple of years. 2 1/2 years ago God tapped me on the shoulder when Financial Peace University was being offered at our church. There was no doubt in my mind that Brad and I would be taking that. We had a pretty decent handle on our money but it could definitely use a clearer budget and more structure. Brad had just started a great job locally and the timing seemed awesome .. minus the craziness of a 6th grader, Junior and Senior in high school as well as both of us working. We actually loved the class, dove into the teaching and really changed our thoughts on finances. I am a total nerd when it comes to budgeting and love the structure of the baby steps. For those who are confused . . .I am happy to explain more. At this point we hunkered down, had an awesome budget and attacked Baby Step 3 (3-6 month emergency fund). Life felt pretty good. We had an incredible opportunity for the 5 of us to go on a 2 week vacation to the east coast . . .completely cash flowed. Felt so good to come home without the burden of owing for a vacation! In August, the kids and I were blessed to go with our church to Mexico on a mission trip. Also, in August we completed Baby Step 3 and were ready to move on to the next steps. While on this mission trip, Brad called and that "great" job was no more. We actually were both incredibly thankful that the kids and I were on this trip. Brad and I each had a week to process. When I got home, we were able to sit down and in 5 minutes rework our budget to the bare bones (thank you FPU). Little did we know that this 3-6 month emergency fund would end up stretching 18 months. I will get more into this 18 months another time. Can I tell you how incredibly hard that time was? What a challenge it was for our marriage? What a life changing growth opportunity it was? How God showed up in the most amazing ways and blessed us every step of the way? I would not change that experience for the world and I pray we never go through it again.
Brad was blessed to be "reassigned" at the end of January. February 9th I was 4 weeks into a new job and Brad 2 weeks into his. Grace and I were headed home from running errands on a storming day when we hit a patch of ice and slammed sideways into another car that had slid off the road right before us. Thankfully Grace was fine! As we discovered over the course of days and weeks, I was (and still am) not. Many of you have travelled on the journey with us as I work to heal and recover from a concussion and whiplash. What a most humbling experience to have everything you were able do taken away. Note, this is the first time I have tolerated a computer screen for any length of time in 4 months. For those who know me, know that I am a go getter. What do you do when all the things . .. . exercise, time with people, cooking, reading, work, church, etc are stripped away? You rest. You rest in the knowledge that God is in control and that He has me here for a reason. You have pity parties some days (not my best moments but it is truth). You start to accept the Journey to Wellness and give yourself grace. And, you listen. You listen to what God is telling you. For the longest time He was clear in his message of rest. Though He still is telling me to listen to my body and rest, He has also dumped some incredible dreams and goals in my space.
Yes, this update could be taken as pretty depressing but it's not. Yes, it has been HARD. So so so incredibly hard. Brad and I have gone from moments of truly not knowing how we could possibly stay married (except we do not believe divorce is an option) to our marriage being better than it ever has been. We are seeing God bless us in all areas of our lives/family.
You guys, this recovery really stinks. I am not going to pretend it doesn't. It is only the past 10 days that I have felt pretty decent and able to go for 45 minute walks without triggering a bunch of concussion symptoms. Part of my therapy involves electric stimulation on my tongue and face. This hurts! Most of my therapies involve the most basic of tasks like focusing on an object. When your eyes are not functioning together, this gets really tricky! Have you ever thought about how big our world is? Simply standing in my yard takes a lot for my brain to process. So, we move slow and eventually everything should start to play nice together again. In the meantime, lots of rest! And, in the midst of my very simple existence are so many blessings. I certainly could have been hurt worse. We have the most amazing practitioners in this town to treat me. Brad has a job and is working from home so is able to be super dad, super mom, super employee, etc! I get tons of time with Grace (she might not see this as a blessing but I do!). I will get to spend a ton of time with my family this summer. We have learned to accept help. I have had the gift of time to really stop, hear, regain perspective, and start to see my true purpose.
So, until I can spend hours writing my book, my blog will get to serve as my chance to share what I have learned, the epiphanies I have had, the reflections on life, etc. I share because I know how much it helps me to hear people be real and to know I am not alone on this earth in the good times and challenges. Not sure that any of us will ever "arrive" at wellness but the journey is really the story anyway.
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