1 year ago today was an icy, snowy Saturday. Grace and I needed to run some errands so we ventured out. We swung by the store on the way home to grab things for dinner and got a tea. We were almost home when we hit a patch of ice and propelled sideways into the back of another car (one that had also slid off the road). I remember getting out of the car, knowing that Grace was ok, and thinking what a pain to get the car fixed. Little did I know at that moment that the car was the easiest thing to fix. It's funny the number of times people have said "At least you didn't break any bones". Do you know how many bones could have healed in the past year?
Honestly, I'm not really sure what to say. This year has been a huge blessing and so incredibly hard. I have really struggled the past month when trying to drive really set me back. It is super discouraging to make progress then fall way back. I felt like I was back at month 4 or 5. Thankfully rest and not driving have improved the set back.
I tested everything this week. With the blessing of my business (the Wildflower Fashion Truck) comes buying all the clothes (super fun!). This past week was our big buying trip in Las Vegas. 4 months ago I booked this trip with the determination that I would be there and I was. I am so glad I went, it was so hard and I am soooooo glad to be home! This was a really huge trip for me .. . it encompasses everything that I really struggle with currently. I am not sure I can put into words what it is like. For those who have been to Vegas, you know what a big environment it is. Now try to picture it with all of your senses exponentially sensitive (sight, smell, sound). My hat and sunglasses where a cute little barrier but were no match for Vegas. The good news...I did it. I did not do it the way I would have liked. I did not get to walk the strip and show Grace all the sites as I would have liked. I did not get to spend hours at the buying show checking out new vendors, etc. I did not stop at even 1 slot machine. I did get to go. I did get about 3 hours a day at the buying show (I am pretty sure standing on the sun would not have been brighter than that room). I got to hang with my mom and Grace for 5 days. I did figure out this whole buying thing and found a lot of really great clothes for the truck. I found out I can tolerate flying and airports (they are not great but are tolerable). I really really appreciated my cozy pjs and a cup of tea in our quiet room every night.
So where am I now? I look normal. When people see me they would never know. Some make comments about the sunglasses. What is really going on? I am intelligent and my brain is slow. It takes me longer to process what is going on. Crowds, screens, lights (no thanks to the fancy new airplanes with all the LED lights and screens in color), noise all shut me down. When I say it shuts me down I mean that my brain (I can literally feel this) will stop processing what is going on. As it continues my body will start to go numb and the nausea sets in. Trigger migraine and then complete brain fatigue. Brain fatigue is nothing like I have ever experienced. It is a fatigue that completely shuts you down. It is crazy. Praise God that I did not get to total brain fatigue this trip until we sat in the seattle airport yesterday afternoon. The way I try to explain it is I have extremely low capacity. As a person who used to do a lot, I am learning to do what I can.
What do I know? God is incredibly faithful. When God allows you to sit in a space that challenges you to your core, I encourage you to lean in and completely surrender to Him. It is pretty incredible. Financially we will lose all of the benefits I have received from my insurance starting tomorrow. Medical ran out a few months ago and my loss of income will be paid a final time tomorrow. Here is the thing . . God has got this. I am not worried or fearful. I know without a shadow of a doubt that He is in control and He will use this to His glory. Physically, I may get better and I may not. I have really struggled with the possibility that I do not improve from where I am today. Everything is hard and exhausting. I have to employ a strategy for pretty much everything I do every day. Going out in the world requires a plan. I absolutely hate this. I hate that my family has to put up with this. I hate that Brad has to roll with my capacity. Some days are really lousy and really difficult. I just hate it. AND I know God has a plan. We have seen it in action.
In the midst of the struggle and full body challenge, we have seen so many blessings. Brad and I will both say our marriage is better than ever (thank you God since we are together a lot!). We believe God provided the truck as a blessing to me as well as a blessing to others. This is my career than I CAN do. This is not a hobby, this is my new career that we trust God is using to replace my previous income for our family. We also see Him using the truck to bless others. I know it might be just an outfit but I feel so blessed to love on women who are in the midst of a struggle and walk off the truck with a top that makes them feel good in their skin. I have also had so many conversations with others who are struggling with a brain injury like me or have a friend who has/is. My heart feels so blessed when I see the tears in their eyes of relief that somebody else understands what they are going through.
What have I learned? SOOOO much! I have learned that we get so wrapped up in the dumbest stuff. We miss so much of what God is doing in this world and in each of our lives because we are wound up and don't slow down. I get so many texts from friends saying "I am just so busy". Well . . stop it! We all have a choice what we say yes to. I may have to say no to a lot and have a good excuse to do but I think we all need to learn to say no. We need to stop and listen to God. I have been so blessed to learn this year how God speaks to me. You know how I learned it? I was forced into complete silence. Please choose to be silent . . .I promise you do not want to be shut down to learn. This statement will be weird . . .I am very sensitive to noises and such so am really really anal about that and at the same time I let so many other things roll off my shoulders. There simply is no capacity to be wrapped up in so much. I think my college kiddos have benefitted the most . . .I am not trying to control what they are doing. They are both adults who can make their own decisions and are both fully capable of making good ones. They are amazing humans and, by releasing them to be their best selves, I get the blessing of enjoying them. When they make a mistake or something happens in their world, I get to love them, encourage them, support them, give advise when they ask (sometimes when they don't . . yes I am a mom for pete's sake!) and watch them tackle it. It is not my thing, it is theirs. I promise you that if you can do this, you will be blessed with getting to know these incredible humans for who they are. It is a new phase in parenting and I am so blessed by it. Back to what I have learned . . .I have learned that so many of us are going through silent battles. Please remember this. It is an interesting thing when you go through life remembering this. I stink at it but am getting better! For example . .. we just had lousy service at almost every restaurant in Vegas. Seriously lousy service. We could have complained, left bad tips, yelled at the server, etc. One of the particularly lousy experiences we could all tell that the guy was just having a rough night and God put on my heart to have extra compassion. I do not know what was going on but I just knew we needed to be as loving as possible. Even to the point of leaving a larger tip and a note on the receipt blessing him. I will never know what came of that but I know that I needed to be available to be kind. I do not share this for props or a pat on the back at all. I share this to remind us all to stop and assess. Stop and be available to show God's love to others. God blessed me with limited capacity to slow me down. To help me learn to be present and available. What would happen if we all slowed down and responded to those prompts . .. to those nudges to reach out to somebody? How many times have we been nudged and not responded? I challenge each of us to slow down, listen, and respond.
Well, I digress. I would not wish a TBI (tramatic brain injury) on my worst enemy. It really really really stinks. I am not sure at this point what treatments to pursue (especially since the cost is all out of pocket). I do regularly go to chiropractor and massage as we are still working on the whiplash from the accident. I am taking a break from vision therapy. We will see. I am trusting that God will lead me where I need to go for the next step. We are so thankful that God has provided a sense of calm. We are extremely intentional in our life . . .yes I am writing a couple of books as I am able. Intention is my word of the year (and part of last year). I get that it is a lot easier to be intentional and calm when one has a tiny capacity and can't drive themself anywhere!
As I finish . . .I was just listening to a live stream sermon and he said the following . . .what's on my calendar, what's on my phone, and where is my money going? That is what I mean when I say we are intentional. When I know the answer to those questions, I can be available to where God is calling. Unfortunately for me, it took a brain injury to stop me enough. I pray my experiences will help you to learn this lesson too!
